How to...

   There is a little book...surprise, surprise, eh?...This book came out about two years ago, and I have been slowly working my way through it. It is entitled, Never Hit a Jellyfish With a Spade.  Odd title, yes, and honestly with a title like that the author could have gone anywhere with the book, and more than likely it would not have seemed absurd.  However, this gentleman did decided to invest in a subtitle that gave a little clarification to his prior statement.  The subtitle reads, How to Survive Life's Smaller Challenges.  Well, thank you, clarification is always a wonderful thing...this is totally apart from the fact that I never considered encountering a jellyfish, and just so happening to have a spade on hand, as one of life's smaller challenges, but never-mind that.  

   The book really is quite clever, and witty to boot.  I just wonder where the inspiration came from really.  Anyway, back to what it is.  Essentially, it is a "How-to" book..evidenced by the fact that every chapter begins with "How to..." and then proceeds to tell us what exactly the author is going to instruct us how to do.  There are a myriad things, everything from how to buy a pair shoes to how to win at sports day, from how to sneeze to how to be suave, from how to be a revolutionary to how to run a charity shop, and the list continues.  It really is a wonderful little book, and though I don't know that I will use the vast majority of the advice that is in it, it is good for a little laugh, and I'll probably at various times, will post a little section here.  

   On that note, in true British style (did I mention this is a British book?), here is the how-to on making a good cup of tea:

  A good cup of tea is one you can offer your plumber with no risk that he will then link up your bathroom taps with your electricity supply.  This rules out any kind of fruit or herbal tea.  The only possible exception to this is if your plumber shows up and says, 'Any chance of an herbal infusion, love?'  There has been no evidence of this happening so far in recorded history. 

  Other weirdo teas don't count either.  Early Grey tastes like someone has dropped a cigarette in dishwater and people who drink it tend to wear loose clothing and get tired easily.  Similarly, steer clear of teas that sound like a developing world folk band, such as lapsang souchong.  Real tea comes in bags, and that doesn't mean like raffia sacks in a delicatessen.  If you can't buy your tea in boxes of 240 bags, then you're being sold a pup.  Real tea is what the army refers to as NATO Standard.  This is a dark brown colour with full-fat milk and two heaped sugars.  Anything less and NATO would be seriously weakened.  

   Here's how to make it.  While waiting for the kettle to boil, put one bag in the bottom of your mug.  Some people boast that they can make ten cups of tea from one bag and you'll find them hanging out the used ones to dry.  It's people like this who are mostly responsible for Britain's economic decline.  

   Pour on the water and then add milk.  Then get your teaspoon out and give the bag a good bashing.  THis is where the artistry of tea making resides.  The trick is to swill the bag around until your tea is slightly weaker than desired.  You then give the bag a little squeeze with your thumb to bring it up to strength.  Just a squeeze until your thumb burns.  

   Give the tea a preliminary stir to check for strength.  Only add more milk as a last resort as it's impossible to add a drop from a 4-pint plastic carton.  Unless you've got the reactions of Zorro, a drop from one  of these beasts tend to be about half a pint.  

   Finally, add sugar.  Two sugars is the norm for working people.  Tea without sugar is an admission that what you do in life doesn't require that much effort.  If someone else is making tea for you, then it's best to ask for three sugars because people who don't take sugar can't stir tea properly (generally because they haven't got enough energy).

Thank you, Guy Browning, for your little addition to the humor in all our lives.